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And so from one shitstorm to the next, we now turn to the weather and find out exactly how close to completely fucked we all really are…
METEROLOGIST
EVAPORATES!
FROM NOW ON ALL FORECASTS
TO BE ALL THE SAME, ALL THE TIME.
For the twenty-fourth straight day temperatures from Miami to New York have exceeded 110 degrees, with occasional late afternoon squalls of fire rain that offer little relief from the heat.
On the west coast it’s a whole different flaming kettle of fish. From Klamath Falls to Kitimat, the rains haven’t stopped for almost six months, while in California there is still none in sight.
Please check with your local posts for the most up-to-date shoreline erosion information.
And in Sports, we turn to ‘Murica’s favorite sport and it’s biggest legend…
GATORFIST RACKS UP 500TH KILL.
Tubestar Clancy ‘Bo’ Gatorfist has put himself into a curious position with his latest kills for ‘Murderin’ Murica’s Millunairs. Nabbing all three Walton heirs pushes his total take-home pay over the half-billion-dollar mark and therefore qualifies him for entry into Fort Versailles, the exclusive neighborhood he has so expertly poached over the last ten seasons. Oddsmakers around the world are having a field day with speculation over where his allegiance will fall, but Gatorfist assures both his sponsors and fans that whatever choice he makes he’s not done hunting. This drew a mixed response across the board, as home values in Fort Versailles immediately started falling with the breaking news.
