“Before we get into the specifics, however, we just want to say that given some of the operating assumptions you had to work with, you guys did alright. Granted, you are some fucked-up sons-a-bitches half the time, but there is sympathy for certain kinds of transgressions.”

“We want to be clear that you are under absolutely no obligation to take any of our advice, whatsoever.”

“That’s right. We aren’t here to judge.”

“Nevertheless, a few, small adjustments will need to be made.”

“Again, only if you want to.”

“Right.”

“So what are they, you ask?”

“Health, Wealth, and Welfare.”

“That’s right. Health, Wealth, and Welfare—stop killing each other, stop bleeding the poor, and clean up your planet. It’s disgusting!”

“No argument there.”

“Those are just the bullet points, of course. You’ll be receiving a thorough analysis in the very near future, with an extensive list of resources to assist you in moving forward on your path.

“We aren’t here to tell you how you need to get there, though. That’s entirely up to you.

“Completely.”

“Whatever you do here in the privacy of your own earth is your business, and to be honest, weirdness and extremism can be good for tourism. But, you have to find the balance that works for you!

“True, it won’t be easy, that is a fact."

“Pull it together! We know you can do it!”

“Take action now to address these runaway problems, as well as appropriate steps for the fallout, and we have found that within as little as a generation, a stable society is achievable, and will likely prosper.”

“Usually.”

“Shh!”

“Listen up, people! We hear your rumbling and grumbling, and we’re not interested. Millions of other worlds were duped just like you into allowing selfish interest to take control, and for the most part they’ve have managed to recover and produce productive civilizations, despite their lack of a mixed-messaging tenet-based guilt and reward system that was the outgrowth of their own need to control masses of people.” 

“We are fully aware of all further trouble this will cause within your fragile eggshell society, but you’ll just have find a way to deal with it, and the sooner the better.”

“Frankly, your local reality cluster has held on to the religion thing for a stubbornly long time, and many sects are degrading rather rapidly.”

“Time to put away childish things.”

“Amen to that!”

“And on that note--from all of us here at Ground Zero, we want to wish you all the very best of luck as you prepare for your admission, if you work hard, in approximately thirty to fifty years.”

“Primary Five, Out!”