“Haha! We're kidding folks! Just a joke we like to play on all the new candidates. Helps to break the ice and frankly, it never gets old.”

“Unlike us!”

“Hey-oh!”

“Haha, seriously, look at us. We’re pretty damn old.”

"Older than dirt."

"Speak for yourself!"

“Haha, okay, so down to business."

"We are the Five Primaries. We represent the collective interests of the trillion or so Erta, or Earths if you prefer, of the New Humanuum. You can’t even imagine what town halls are like—"

“So be impressed we took the time to say hello. Ha, that’s okay we know you are.”

“As policy, we neither promote nor represent the interests of any one world or group of worlds over those of another. Instead, we uphold a charter agreed upon by all worlds to maintain order, keep the portals clear, and most importantly, keep out the crazies. We never interfere nor offer so much as an opinion on any local issue, unless of course, it effects other earths. ”

“Which brings us to you, the eleven billion people of Erta #2¹⁰678-z31c. Now, before we can even begin to discuss Rights and Reason, Travel Tips, or any of that other happy hullabalooey, there is the matter of your test scores—”

"Hmm. Oh dear."

“They could be better.”

“Yes. Speaking plainly, they could be considerably better. They’re not horrible, mind you. We’ve seen worse, much worse. But, there are no two ways around it, you have quite a bit of work ahead of you if you wish to join the Erta community.”

“Now, individually speaking, we‘re sure that each and every last one of you is a fine, upstanding citizen of whatever backwater town or country it is you come from, and have just loads to contribute to the greater good, if only given half a chance. Unfortunately, we can’t give special consideration to any individual or group of individuals.”

“That means you’re all in or all out. No exceptions.”

“That's right. We would love to accommodate every special case, but we just don’t have the kind of manpower necessary to cater to the individual needs of several billion people. The security would be a nightmare, not to mention the resentment. And allowing only a few of the best and the brightest to use the portals, while the rest live in ignorance, is completely out of the question.”

“Hoo-boy.”

Now, on to your admission application! We have evaluated you against a complex set of metrics that have evolved over millennia to keep any risk to the New Humanuum to a minimum.”