This morning, Twenty-One Brothers Investing Globally announced an internal reorganization that will free up crucial resources for the escalating war against starvation. Having reached the first unanimous decision in its twenty-nine-year history, TOBIG is eager to finally move forward with implementation of the now twenty-eight-year-old plan. With the requirement that all twenty-one partners be present for the kickoff, it is expected that it will be at least spring of next year when they can finally convene. In the meantime, it is strongly recommended for all members to review committees, preliminary agendas, and staffing needs as established in the 2028 agreement, with suggestions for revisions to be discussed at the following year's meeting.

The overall effort will be directed by Board of Families Coop, parent conglomerate of several defense contractors, including weapons supplier Hawkthorn-Blacktrope. When asked how giving semi-automatic weapons to malnourished families will help alleviate poverty and sickness, company representative Tommy Paluka responded, “It’s quite simple. You see, with a gun you can go anywhere. So… just steal a boat or a car and get the hell out of Africa.”

While it is unclear at this time whether ammunition will be provided free of charge, it is expected that HB will wish to recoup its up-front costs before “giving away the store,” as one representative who wished to remain anonymous put it. “Thirty years of salaries and golden parachutes isn’t exactly pocket change, but the US. Government has a huuuge pocket.”

In other news, the U.S House passed a comprehensive tax bill that is expected to increase taxes on lower and middle-class Americans by 32%.